Friday, 21 January 2011

Imaginary Letters (1)

This post is the first in a series about 'imaginary letters', it may sound a bit strange but imaginary letters are the letter you wish you could write to someone but can't. This is either because you are afraid to or because social decorum dictates that you shouldn't. Often I have found when writing a letter of complaint I want to write the angriest letter possible and try to shame the person reading into apologising. However social decorum means that rather than writing 'Dear Useless, Incompetent 'Bankers' at X' you write 'Dear Sir/Madam'.
Whenever I write a letter of complaint I draw up my first 'angry' draft, save it, leave it then edit it a few hours later when I have calmed down. Usually when I re-read them the first versions cause me to laugh so I thought that as this week is supposed to be the most depressing of the year I would share a few of them with you. In most cases the names of the companies have been changed just in case the CEO of the company reads it and tries to sue me :P Anyways I hope you enjoy this mini series and I hope it cheers you up as much as it did me.

Letter 1:
Dear Speak-Speak Internet,
You are utterly useless. I have an Internet connection with you and it's crap. It literally will only work when it feels like and not when I need it. It would lovely if you could provide me with a consistent, working Internet connection being as you are my Internet service PROVIDER. In fact your service is so bad you are actually making CV look good! I pay you to provide me with Internet so it might actually be nice if you lot did your job properly and made it work. If I made these sorts of cock ups at work I'd be fired.
If this happens again I will be coming to your head office so consider yourself warned!
Yours, Laura.

Letter 2:
Dear Various Indistinguishable Rapper,
Just thought you might like to know that in English there are in fact 26 letters in the alphabet. It would be nice if you could try and use all of them when speaking, rapping or 'singing'. There is also a thing called Grammar. It would be even nicer if you used this too.
Yours, Laura

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